Chapter 2 - Dr Maya Angel

Meet Maya, 24 years old. Her parents have strongly encouraged her to pursue a career in Dentistry. They have sacrificed much to ensure that she achieves the status they never had the chance to attain. Maya has become disillusioned by the disempowerment that has been imposed on her by her old fashioned, patriarchally domineering boss, Dr Bentley. Her realistic idealism yearns to smash the shackles of her daily disappointment. Her state of learned helplessness.

“I've always played it safe nothing's ever safe

Give me the courage to back my own convictions

Every decision I make I pay it back and more

Now turn the cards and let them fall to me

I don't need to play on with the hand that they have given me

I'll give it back cos it's not the way it has to be”

(Shape- Sugababes)

I thought I would love being a dentist. It was all so exciting until I got entrenched in the everyday drudgery of having my boss constantly looking over my shoulder. Patients will often come into the surgery and assume I am the dental nurse. When I tell them I am in fact the dentist, they look unapologetically surprised and ask where Dr Bentley is. I answer with a mumbled confirmation of my qualification and ability. I know they will still doubt me until I prove my worth to them.

The staff order me around, assuming I need more support than I actually do. If I assert myself I am bossy or difficult and if I try to take control of the clinical environment, my boss will intrude and patronise me to put me back in my place. He then smiles knowingly to the nurse, who returns a casually tossed flirtatious wrinkling of her freckled nose and a wink over her shoulder. I wonder if there is more substance to their casual exchange than meets the eye.

My parents predestined me to become a dentist,doctor or lawyer since I was in nappies. One might think that these are the only professions that are suitable for success in this world. I achieved 4 A stars at A-level and a grade 8 music exam. The only thing I ever feared was disappointing my parents; success is the only option, failure’s not. Opportunity comes once in a lifetime, the daily mantra of my childhood.

I am eternally grateful to my parents for providing me with the opportunity to fly freely within the professional world. I don’t ever tell them of the negatives. When I go home for family gatherings, I am welcomed as the golden child, my qualification brings me the respect of my elders. I embarrassingly occupy the coveted place by the right hand side of my father. I am looked up to by aunties, grandparents, cousins and jealous siblings. I even hold higher status than some of my male cousins, this is of course rare in my culture. My father calls me by my nickname ‘Mayanika’ , Maya+Chayanika (Sanskrit for The chosen one)

Maya is another pillar of Vedanta philosophy. Although maya is born from Brahman (along with everything else in the universe), the two are juxtaposed as opposites: Brahman the ultimate reality, maya an illusory non-reality.

My parents came here for a better life. They left behind more than the end of their apparently unpronounceable surname. They came to establish a more opportune future for us. Ultimately, I intend to honour my parents wishes and get married to a “suitable” man. Many hints have been made and pressures mounted that are increasingly difficult to swat away. It seems that having good marriage prospects is the pinnacle of all I should crave. However my heart sings in a different key.

Freedom for me looks like the ability to choose my own destiny without being told what I should think and who I should become. For the woman I have become I leave behind the evolving role of ‘female’ engendered in a girl’s childhood. I look forward to forging my own biological destiny as and when I see fit. My choice is presently to develop my career and devolve my apparent child-bearing responsibility to a time that I choose to exercise it. From girl to woman to wife to mother, I see no rush to let a father or husband decide when that might be. I am quite capable of deciding on who, where and how this will occur, as long as fate lends me the opportunity to do so.

Why is it that I feel discriminated against for my age, my gender and sometimes even the colour of my skin? If I was to provide poor quality treatments, I could understand and accept it. The standard of my dentistry is still as it was, deserving of the accolades and prizes that I hold, awarded at dental school.

Why is it that I am disempowered by a broken system and forced into providing substandard care from a limited range of treatment options? If only those who make the decisions could see that there is a better way to deliver effective treatments instead of bowing at an altar of organisational culture myth.

I smile, I take pride in my appearance and I am friendly to nearly everyone that I meet. I am sometimes greeted by unexpected isms, usually from patients who maybe do not know any better. It’s a mystery to me. The reporting of this arbritrary labelling of me by my heritage, would of course fall on deaf ears and might result in a complaint against me to Dr Bentley, who would most likely chalk another notch on his overstretched belt.

“I live my life in chains, Got my hands in chains

And I can't stick with the cards that I got with a deal like this

I must insist that a girl's got more to do than be the way you think a woman should.

I'm taking it into my own hands in this man's land I can understand why I'm taking command

Had enough of stuff, And now it's time to think about me”

(Shape- Sugababes)

I stare longingly at my face reflected in the bathroom mirror. I search for a spark of inspiration behind my tired morning eyes. I notice the neutrality of my expression. There is no girlish churlishness naturally turning up the corners of my mouth like there used to be. How long has it been since I laughed? I don't mean a chuckle or a giggle. I mean a full on belly laugh, a helpless uncontrolled, tears down cheeks, breath- stealing explosion of mirth.

I reflect momentarily on my original motivations for entering the dental profession. Even though i still hold these ideals true, my daily experience of myself at work has diverged from this somewhat. The angle of my daily discomfort. It takes effort to force a smile, it feels false, like a mask I should learn how to wear, to fit in with social convention. I remove it with no regret as I consider that I am as good as being a nobody if I am not true to myself. I decide to revisit my core aims and objectives that govern my professional integrity.

I shout at myself in a silent scream:

“World, who are you to tell me what I should be feeling?”

The deafening silence answers with a small song.

“Rewrite your narrative,”

so I do.

“I am Maya Angel, I can do this.

I will succeed.

Opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”

I will keep on telling myself this every morning in the mirror until I actualise my dreams.

I feel a spark, igniting a fire in my dark dry tinder retinas. The corners of my mouth creep into an empowered expression of self belief. I know that whatever challenges the day brings I will face them. Nothing will break me. My ancestors sit on my shoulders, willing me forwards with collective support, love and encouragement.

I notice the homeless man on the way to work, sitting on a park bench, greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes, eyeing me with bad intent. I have seen him many times before. Today I say a friendly hello. This takes him by surprise. I guess he doesnt know what else to do other than to say hello back, I smile inwardly registering one point on my metaphorical scoreboard.

I have decided to concentrate on the things I can change rather than the things that maybe I can't. I prepare myself for the day ahead. I stop and get a coffee, my morning ritual. It’s not just about the caffeine. It’s also about the whole process of what makes up daily habits. I would feel odd if I didn't have my favourite pen with me or if I had not followed my daily pattern of morning ablutions in the same order as I always did.

When I get to work it is the same. The familiar pattern of seemingly inane processes brings calm to my working day. I will check the items in the surgery, confirm my patient list is printed and look down to preempt any appointments that I would need further information about. In this way I can lower my heart rate and breathe, ready for the day ahead. Doubtless it will be a little unpredictable. The control I can exert over the controllable factors will help me to successfully navigate through the factors beyond my control.

Jolene, my nurse enters the room, she is rather taken aback as she senses my palpably empowered countenance. I beam a friendly greeting and she scuttles quickly off, knowing that today something has changed in me. I think to myself, Gosh, if that's the effect of my recapitulated self belief, maybe I should say hi to my Dentist Compadre Derek.

My confidence wavers and I repeat my mantra. Maya Angel, you’ve got this ! I stride purposefully towards his door and hesitate, My hand is raised, knuckles poised, I nearly knock but my legs autonomically stride confidently in carrying me with them.

I notice him staring down at a letter he holds in his blanched fingertips. His shoulders are slumped in hopeless self defeat. I lose my nerve so I make up a question about a patient and he snaps a conditioned, put- down response at me. Usually I would nervously creep away back to disappointed flagellation, taking the preconditioned flight reaction that my limbic system tells me to.

Instead, I sense that something is wrong. Instead of reacting, I respond and override it. I gingerly approach him and put my hand on his shoulder. He turns to me in surprise and a hapless, questioning undefinable look reveals itself. I hadn’t encountered this from him before so I am taken aback. I pause for a split second that feels like an eternity. The look on his face says it all. His rheumy eyes are sunken into the pallor of his face, a snapshot is forever captured in the gallery of my mind. A picture of a broken man. The heartsink moment that I have only ever read about in books.

He hands me the letter and he momentarily buries his face in his hands. I skim the letter and discover the reason for his despair. I don’t fully appreciate the details but I know that this is a shock that will destabilise his very essence of being a super dentist. It reminds me of my father when I discovered that he wasn’t superman and had human failings just like any other inhabitant of planet earth.

Snap, back to reality

“Dr Bentley, I need you to believe in me. You need to go home, I will deal with the patients and the staff.” He protested. I insisted. I reassured him that I would deal with the cancellation of non-urgent patients and I would also cover any of his patients that needed urgent care. I explained that presenteeism is far worse than absenteeism.

In his mind, he had one burning question poised:

“should I stay or should I go?

(If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be double)

(The Clash)

I drew a line in the sand and stood my ground. I had framed it in his best interests and would not be persuaded to budge. I helped him to gather his things and ushered him to leave.

At that moment Jolene entered the room, barking an efficient announcement that Mrs Jones his 9 o’clock was here… she stuttered with uncharacteristic insight, noticing that something was amiss. I interrupted her and said that I would see Mrs Jones. My new found confidence and ability to take control overwhelmed her desire for contradiction.

As it turns out, team members crave decisive leadership. I continued by saying that Dr Bentley was not feeling well and had to go home immediately. Derek almost protested. Conditioned in him was a golden nugget from a course he had been on long ago where he remembered the saying “Say no for safety” He left the building. With a relieved and thankful earnest nod at me, I returned an unspoken acknowledgement that his clinic would be left in safe hands.

You can easily gamble your life away

Second after second and day by day

It's a new turn on a blue day

And it's all good

(Shape, Sugababes)

I am a Dentist

That’s the shape of my heart.